9 posts tagged “too smart for his own good”

When I picked The Bug up from school on Friday afternoon, the report was not good. Yes, he had taken a nap, but that was about the only positive thing that could be said. Where to begin? In no particular order, here are some highlights:

The assistant director had to speak to The Bug about appropriate behaviour at lunch. As in, it is not appropriate to sit on the table with ones knees on either side of ones plate.

He got up from his nap, and his teacher noticed that he had gum in his mouth. The Bug reported that he got the gum from underneath his cot. Ew. When instructed to put the gum in the garbage, The Bug swallowed it instead.

There was a small poop accident, so he came home with soiled underpants (in a plastic bag, inside his backpack).

The Bug and two of his friends were overheard having an animated conversation which apparently consisted mostly of the word "fuck."

He demonstrated that his listening skills are truly horrible by once again ignoring me outright when it was time to leave school. He did finally acknowledge that I was speaking to him, though. He told me "No, I'm not going."

When we left school, he ran down the sidewalk and expressed his affection for my car by giving it a full-on mouth-and-face-smashed-up-against-the-wintry-salty-muck-just-below-the-gas-tank-kiss. Again, I say ew.

Either right before, or right after, the kissing of the car, in the two seconds it took me to put his backpack on the seat, The Bug tried to run out into middle of the parking lot by himself.

He is what the experts call a spirited child.
No wonder I'm tired.

I have a list of things to do as long as my arm, but the Bug and his dad are sitting on the couch, watching Schoolhouse Rock (which the Bug calls "Rock and Roll High School), so I might as well relax, too.

Let's see, what's been going on? Well, the Bug's musical taste continues to develop. Recently added to his singing repertoire:

• "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
• "Search and Destroy" (we listen to the original Iggy & The Stooges version, thankyouverymuch), and the Bug stomps around with his guitar and sings "I'm a street walking napalm" We're working on the lyrics).
• "Manchester, England" (yes, from Hair). (He's been known to tell us he's a "genius genius.")
  

This morning, we decorated our holiday tree. Shiny, shiny! Photos later. The Bug knew immediately, without us showing him, how to hang the ornaments.

Last Sunday night, at bedtime, the following conversation took place.
Daddy: Tomorrow is a school day. You'll go to school and I'll go to work.
Bug: NO! You'll go to school and I'll go to work!
Daddy: Well, they really need me to come and do my job.
Bug: No! I'll do your job. How hard can it be? You do it!

Driving home after preschool today, The Bug wanted to see more decorations, please! so we took the "scenic" route. Our neighborhood is quite Jewish, and a bit Muslim, and obviously some Christian, and I'm sure some other things too, but... decoration-wise, it's hit or miss. So here's the conversation:

Bug: More! I want to see more decorations!
Me: There aren't any more to see before we get home.
Bug: Why?
Me: Well, the decorations are for Christmas, and not everyone celebrates Christmas.
Bug: But... Santa Claus...
Me: What about Santa Claus?
Bug: Santa Claus sells Christmas.

And really, what more is there to say?

He's so funny I can't keep up. Some recent items:

Me: Did you have a good day at school?
Bug: It was a hard day.
Me: What made it so hard?
Bug: All the rolling around the room.

Please note that there was no activity that could even remotely be construed as "rolling around the room" in school that day. Or pretty much any other day.

The Bug to the assistant school director's computer: Come on, you piece of junk.
After which, the computer actually did what the assistant director had been trying to get it to do.

This morning, on our way out of the house, he held the door for me and said Come on, Mama darlin'.

Tonight at bedtime it was I love you, MommyConfusing.

I'm sure there are a dozen other things that have cracked me up in the last few days, I just can't remember them. Would it be too much to just record him all the time?

The Bug is most definitely my child.  He loves his books.  Sometimes he sits on my lap and he "reads" to me, or we look at the book together and talk about it without actually reading it at all.  On rare occasions, he allows me to read to him.  But more often than not, he wants to read by himself.  There's been a lot more low-activity time this week, since The Bug has another (or the same persistent) ear infection and was home from preschool most of Tuesday, and all of Wednesday and Thursday.  Here's what's been occupying some of that time*:

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

I love Eric Carle's illustrations.  We've had this book for a long time, but just recently, it's become a favorite.  We're reading it multiple times per day - sometimes multiple times per sitting.  The Bug knows the whole book, and turns the pages and "reads" it out loud.

The Very Dizzy Dinosaur (Peek-a-boo Pop-ups)

He's into The Very Dizzy Dinosaur and The Very Silly Shark, because hey, what kid doesn't like dinosaurs and sharks and pop-up books?  Also, there's a page where it's very obvious that one of the big dinosaurs is farting on two little dinosaurs, and we all know that's hilarious.

Roadside Americana

Speaking of dinosaurs, this is also one of The Bug's current favorites.  I think he liked it initially because of the dino on the cover, but he really gets into looking at all the pictures and talking about what they are.  Giant statues of Paul Bunyon and Babe the Blue Ox, Carhenge, the Tower of Pisa replica (hey, that's near the Costco where I shop!), jackalopes and concrete cows... he likes 'em all.  Yup, he's my kid, alright.

In Bug-speak:
"Dark Later" = Darth Vader
"pumper fish" = puffer fish
"ravioli-os" = ravioli
"emandeminos" = M&Ms

The other day I opened up his bedroom windows, to let some fresh air in, and he immediately went to the window and shouted out "THE NEIGHBORS ARE BROKEN!"  Several times.  What the hell does that even mean?

He followed that up with "THAT GUY IS COMING TO BRING THE BUG PIZZA!  THAT GUY... IS BRINGING PIZZA!!  FOR THE BUG!!"

There was no one in sight.

At school the other day, they made bird feeders out of empty toilet paper tubes.  You know, you cover the thing with glue, roll it in bird seed, punch a couple holes in it, string some yarn through, and call it a bird feeder.  So The Bug showed it to me, and pretended to eat it.  And I told him "no no, silly, that's for birds to eat."  And he went to the (closed) window, held the bird feeder up in the air, and yelled "BIRDS!!!!!  COME AND EAT DIS!!!!  BIRDS!!!!  COME ON, BIRDS!!!!"

Can you tell he's big into the yelling right now?  I might have to get ear plugs.

Then there was the day he was sitting at the desk, playing with a small pile of change.  He handed me several pennies and said "Mommy has to get paid.  It's forty dollars, for Mommy." 

And my personal favorite, "Bug needs to pay for ladies."  Over and over and over.

He meant "pay the lady."  Like, in a store.  Really, he did.  He says it properly now.

The best one, though, the one that made me have one of those cheesy mom moments, was this.  Before my grandfather died last November, The Bug and I visited him a lot.  Like, once a month from March through July or August, I think.  Which is a lot when you're commuting from Chicago to NY with a toddler.  So The Bug was about a year and a half old, maybe a bit younger, the last time he saw his great-grandfather.

My grandfather almost always had a toothpick in his mouth.  Always.  Right up until the end.

At least six months after the last time The Bug saw him, I happened to put a toothpick in my mouth (please don't ask me why). 

The Bug looked at me and said "Mommy is great-grandpa."

He remembers.  Everything.

The other day, as I was putting The Bug in his car seat, he said "Bug is so impressed.  Mommy used the potty."

My kid?  Too funny.

Also?  Mommy is so impressed, because The Bug has been using the potty!

According to The Bug, dinosaurs don't live anymore.
"They're distinct," he says.

of products and parent hacks that The Bug has defeated.

From birth, he could Houdini his way out of any swaddle we put him into. This includes the Miracle Blanket and the SwaddleMe Wrap, as well as any swaddle done with a regular blanket.

He pulled down the end pieces of the Crib Shield System repeatedly, until I gave up and just took them off. The sides were a bit tougher for him, but he finally figured out how to undo the velcro on the outside of the crib. The only part of this that's still up is on the side of his crib that's against the wall, since he can't get to the velcro over there. The only purpose it serves at this point is preventing his pacifiers from falling out that side of the crib during the night.

Of course, he didn't learn how to work the velcro until after I chose to velcro a bunch of drawers and cabinet doors closed, instead of going through the hassle of getting out my tools and installing latches (which is a real pain in the ass). Hey, it worked for these guys. But not for us. Not for more than three days, anyway. The Bug is now a master velcro un-sticker.

He has chewed a hole in the spout of a First Years sippy cup.

The Snack Trap is a joke - he can reach in there and pull out almost everything at once. And, he knows how to push/pull the "trap flaps" open and dump out the contents.

He has figured out the correct way to remove his suction cup bowls from the table.

He got the Kiddopotamus placemat off the table in seconds flat.

This sippy cup is supposed to be the only real spill-proof, leak-proof option. Yeah, right. Not for my kid. He knows how to hold it upside down and "milk" it.

And I haven't found a bib yet that The Bug can't remove.